


Please Just Kiss Already --Clint

by Sabriel (the_one_a_m_writer)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Pranks, They all live in the tower together, Troll Steve Rogers, Troll Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 13:43:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19210618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_one_a_m_writer/pseuds/Sabriel
Summary: Tony has a crush on Steve. What does he do about it? Prank him. Duh.Steve has a crush on Tony. What does he do about it? Prank him. Duh.Clint's gonna scream.





	Please Just Kiss Already --Clint

Honestly, Clint had no idea why Steve kept asking Tony for help, because  _ this always happened.  _

Well, no. 

Clint knew. 

But surely Steve could put aside his ridiculous infatuation and realize Tony was putting him on and go to someone reasonable for help? Like... like Natasha? Maybe Clint himself?

Apparently not, which was why they were here, in this grocery store, looking for a brand of peanut butter that contained an ingredient that  _ didn’t exist. _

Clint knew it didn’t exist. 

_ Steve  _ probably knew it didn’t exist. 

Tony  _ definitely _ knew it didn’t exist when he insisted Steve get peanut butter with that ingredient when he went shopping that afternoon, which was why he did it. 

So, Clint was here, watching Steve marvel over all the different options for peanut butter and read the ingredients list of every. single. goddamn. one. looking for an ingredient that didn’t exist. 

This was the second store, mind. 

“Why don’t you just ask an employee?” Clint asked. 

“Because they wouldn’t know what I was talking about,” Steve told him. 

“Why wouldn’t they know what you were talking about?” Clint asked, trying to prompt the ‘It DOESN’T EXIST’ he had been looking for for an hour.

Steve only shrugged. Fuck.  _ Fuck.  _

“Why don’t you just pick one and Tony can suffer?” Clint suggested. 

“What if I get the wrong one?” Steve asked, but before he’d finished speaking, the light was back in his eyes. “I know! I’ll get them all!”

_ Fuck! _

So Clint had to witness Captain America buying one of every kind of peanut butter in a major chain grocery store. (Hint: that was a lot of peanut butter.) When the cashier made cautious questioning noises at the stream of peanut butter, Steve told her, “Oh, Tony asked.” 

“Mhmm,” she said, and continued ringing them up in awed silence.

 

Tony was the first to attempt to use the peanut butter, reportedly, and pulled out the roll-out shelf only to find it entirely populated with peanut butter. According to Thor, he pulled each jar out in stunned silence, and once every single jar was ringed around where he sat on the floor, he stood up and walked away, leaving the sandwich unmade. 

Steve took him a peanut butter sandwich later, and Tony carefully did not ask which peanut butter Steve had used. 

That’s what you get for being a prankster, Stark, one day a prank will backfire on your ass. 

 

Anyway, the “Peanut Butter Incident” (which spawned the Grocery List Rule #5) was part of this ongoing thing where Tony tried to convince Steve that things were different in the future so that Steve would make a fool of himself. When they were in the tower, Tony’s success rate with such pranks was pretty high. Tony had gotten Steve to use fake “modern slang,” to attempt to use the “modern kitchen implement” Tony had welded out of spare parts, and to replicate “modern dance moves” for the enjoyment of the general populace of the tower. Outside it, though, Steve was frustratingly savvy. 

In fact, outside the tower, Steve appeared to have adapted fantastically to modern living. He was outspoken about current political issues and always seemed to have done his research. 

“How does he  _ know _ this?” Clint asked Tony. “He still calls Google ‘the Google’ and asked you how to turn his phone on yesterday!” 

But Tony was busy staring at Steve like Steve impassioned about politics was a turn-on. Ugh. For Tony, it probably was. Christ,Tony, get your head out of your ass and ask him out already. Clint left him to it and turned to Natasha. 

“Natasha, how does he  _ know _ this? He still calls...” 

 

...

 

Okay, in retrospect, it was easy to see that  _ Steve Rogers was also being a troll.  _

Then, of course, Clint felt dumb for not realizing it sooner. In his defense, Steve Rogers was supposed to be the epitome of goodness and apple pie. 

Apparently, Steve not only knew Tony was screwing with him the entire time, but actually had a fantastic grasp on modern technology. Better than Clint, certainly. So he would play along to lull Tony into a false sense of security (Clint’s guessing, here, but it makes sense) and then he would turn around and do something like buy one of every brand of peanut butter. 

And on top of that, Steve had a little game of his own to mirror Tony’s, which had two main manifestations. The first: 

“We shouldn’t sleep here,” Steve said. “We should go home. There’s no reason for us to get a hotel in New Jersey when we can be home in half an hour.” 

“Alternatively, we could get a hotel,” Tony said, raising an armor-covered arm.

“Alternatively, we could go home to our showers and comfortable clothes,” Natasha argued. 

Clint, who was exhausted, threw in his two cents with “Or, Tony pays for a hotel and we’re asleep in 15 minutes.” 

“Part of a battle is the triumphant return,” Thor said, but the doubt was clear in his voice; he’d be a pushover. 

“I’m hungry,” Bruce said. 

“We can get takeout.”

“I don’t want takeout.”

“I’ll cook,” Steve offered. “If we go home. I’ll go grocery shopping and I’ll cook. I just have to go by Vons.” 

“Or,” Tony said, “I make sure we have a kitchen, and you shop here, and we crash here.” 

“Tony, I wanted to go to Vons. I finally figured out a store that has everyone’s favorite brands. I’m not flying back to New Jersey after going to Vons.” 

“There’s a Vons in New Jersey, Captain.” 

“No, it’s not, it’s in New York.” 

This was the game. 

Not that anyone had realized Steve was trolling them, yet, but this was the game. 

“There’s more than one Vons,” Tony said. 

“But they won’t carry the same brand.” 

“Yeah, they will.” 

“But it’s not the same store!” 

“It’s a chain store!” 

By now, everyone had ‘caught on’ to the fact that Steve apparently thought the only Vons was the one in New York and was watching with a little less fatigue in their eyes.

“What’s a chain store?” 

“You know, where they have the same store over and over again?” Tony said.

“Why?” 

“Convenience? Capitalism?”

“That’s so odd,” Steve said, then, “We didn’t have chain stores in the 40’s.” 

This, by the way, was the magic sentence. ‘We didn’t have ______ in the 40’s.’

Tony narrowed his eyes. 

“You seriously didn’t know there’s another Vons?”

“Honestly, I think you’re just making this up so we won’t go home.” 

Clint scoffed. “No, you don’t.” 

“Chain stores sound fake.” 

“Chain stores sound fake...” Bruce repeated. 

“What if it doesn’t have the same brands?” 

“But it does!” Tony argued. 

“Have you seen this one?”

“ _ No,  _ but that’s the whole point of a chain store!” 

“I think we should just go home,” Steve said. “That way I  _ know _ there will be a Vons.” 

“You’re ridiculous!” 

“Honestly,” Steve suggested carefully, “It’ll take longer for me to be convinced about the Vons than it will to fly home...”

And suddenly, they were being bundled into the Quinjet as Tony grumbled about stubbornness and bullheadedness and so on. Steve very smugly took his seat in the jet.

Steve wasn’t just a troll. He was a manipulative bastard, too.

 

The second manifestation was far funnier, but didn’t happen outside the tower. Steve would use a dirty word in some innocent context, causing Tony to choke and sputter and turn red. Upon being carefully informed by Natasha that that word didn’t mean what Steve thought it meant, Steve would explain that he was sorry; it used to mean _____ when he was a kid and had no other meanings at all. 

“So if I accidentally use it, you can be mature about it, right?” Steve implored, and everyone nodded. 

Steve would then proceed to use the word “accidentally,” in  _ very _ dirty contexts, and specifically around Tony, because he liked to see his blush. 

The latest one was ‘cock’ and Steve was going on about a month of usage. So far, Thor hadn’t picked up on it; the moment he did, Steve would miraculously remember not to use the word, and Thor would be getting all the blame while Steve got off scot free. 

 

...

 

It was getting bad; really bad. The pranks  _ and _ the UST. Both Steve and Tony (and this was, again, Clint’s speculation, but Clint hadn’t stayed alive this long without excellent guesswork) were using their idiodic pranks as a pigtail-pulling method of getting the other to notice them. 

Sometimes, Clint just wanted to smack their heads together. And make sure their lips touched in the process. 

“I’m telling you, this is the height of modern technology,” Tony was explaining. “It’s called an iPod. Obviously, I can create better, but outside of the tower, this is the best you can get.” 

“You can record songs, now? When I was a kid, if you wanted to hear a song, you had to listen to it live!” 

“Yeah. This thing can fit a few songs on it, and then you listen using--” Tony dug around in his pocket-- “Air Pods.” 

Clint looked over. Steve, seated, was looking up at Tony, standing, holding the AirPods aloft like a trophy. Steve practically had visible hearts in his eyes.

“What’s that?” Steve asked, pointing to the headphone jack.

“That’s a... n aesthetic feature,” Tony said unconvincingly, but Steve nodded all the same. 

Clint could take it no longer. 

“Just kiss already!” he screamed at them, hoping they’d actually  _ do it _ , that Tony wouldn’t bolt, that Steve-- 

What? 

...what? 

Tony was practically  _ bent over the table _ , oh god, this is more than he ever wanted to see. There was definitely tongue action happening. Steve and Tony were melded together-- didn’t they need to breathe? Good lord. Clint turned away and wished he could turn off the sounds of Steve and Tony sucking each other’s faces off, but unfortunately, his hearing wasn’t quite bad enough. 

_ “Natasha,” _ he whispered, stumbling out of the room, ready to tell her how his eyes needed to be gouged out. 

But unfortunately, she wasn’t in, and Clint resigned himself to riding out the rest of the heebie-jeebies in a ball on the floor of his room.

 

The worst part, though, was that  _ nothing changed.  _

Come on. Tony couldn’t have gotten his head out of his ass and become magically good at communicating. Steve didn’t go around kissing people like that for a joke. They should either be fucking or stonewalling each other right now. 

Clint sputtered at Natasha when she didn’t react to his news (Steve and Tony kissed). Bruce checked his oxygen levels and made sure he wasn’t hallucinating. Thor congratulated them and then almost cried when Clint told him they hadn’t done it again. 

He took to glaring at them when they were both in the same room at the same time, and extra hard whenever they were pulling one of their pranks, so Clint became a little cloud of darkness every time the power not-couple was in the vicinity. 

“This is really sad,” Bruce commented. 

“Well, sor _ ry _ that I'm bringing down your mood,” Clint said, moping.

“Actually, I was talking about the fact that Steve and Tony still aren’t a couple, but yeah, you’re sad, too.”

Tony said, “Steve, I’m gonna scream.” 

Steve laughed. Everyone else turned to look at Tony in mild alarm. 

“It’s nice that they care about us?” Steve offered Tony. 

“This is your fault,” Tony said.

“What’s your fault?” Natasha asked. “The not-getting-together, or the caring?” 

“The Clint sad.” 

“Clint’s not that sad.” 

“Thor is sad,” Thor said. “I wish I could toast to your union, but alas, there is no union to toast to.”

“This is  _ your _ fault,” Tony repeated. 

“It can't be.” 

“I’m blaming you anyway,” Tony said. 

“I’m on Steve’s side,” Bruce said. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about, but I’m on Steve’s side of this argument.”

_ “Thank _ you.” 

“Oh, just do it,” Steve said, and all eyes focused instantly on Tony. 

“Now?” 

“Are you or aren’t you?” 

Tony sighed. 

“Steve and I are already together.” 

 

. 

 

. 

 

Pandemonium. 

 

. 

 

. 

 

Thor immediately started yelling at Clint for deceiving him. Clint had to tell back that any deception wasn't intentional. Natasha had vaulted off of the couch to hold Tony's head between her hands and stare deeply into his eyes. Bruce was in the corner, loudly expressing his disbelief to no one, as everyone else was already occupied. 

"So did I convince you to get together?" Clint asked. 

Steve shook his head in amusement. Tony kissed him on the cheek. "Happy six month, babe," he said quietly. 

_ Six month?  _

 

...

 

Clint finally had it figured it out. 

Steve Rogers and Tony Stark were both trolls, but they were trolling the other four Avengers this whole fucking time. 

**Author's Note:**

> for anyone who didn't catch it (me, i'm dumb, i wouldn't have caught it, i had to google it) there WERE chain stores in the 40s and Steve is aware of this. thats the prank


End file.
